A beginning and an end

Forty days is a long time to write about anything. I found that this last week, while certainly being the most climatic of the Church year was less so in my practice. I felt very far away my energies actually more in touch with the school calendar rather than the Religious calendar.

Thankfully He is risen. He is risen. He is risen. He is risen. And none of that grace is dependent on anything of my own doing. He has risen indeed. Alleluia.

I am thankful for all those who practiced along with me and any and all those who read from the sidelines.

He is risen. Let us be glad in that.

Thine is the glory forever.

That's really sums all of it up. I find this one harder to accept than either the kingdom or the power; I don't have a problem realizing that I'm not going to be able to control the world around me. But I do tend to crave recognition. I have a strong desire for people around me to see what I have done, and say "Golly Gee! Isn't she wonderful!" I see daily the success and acclaim that those close to me receive, and I envy it.
Yet, if we were to keep things in perspective, nothing any of us do would be worth recognition next to the service and sacrifice that comes throughout Holy Week, and nothing can compare to the glory that is due to Christ and is shone through the triumph of resurrection and dedication of his followers. And so the glory really does belong to God, forever and ever. Amen.

He Descended to the Dead

Most Episcopal churches forgo the Holy Saturday service in our Book of Common Prayer, skipping instead to the Great Vigil, and from my perspective this is problematic. Holy Saturday, according to von Balthasar, is the day when the actual work of salvation is being carried out.

This is when he descended to the dead.

There are also readings in the three-year Episcopal lectionary that are reserved for Holy Saturday, and if we skip from Good Friday to the Vigil, we miss these readings; for example, Matthew 27:57-66 or John 19:38-42, dealing with Joseph of Arimathea procuring Christ's body; or the epistle, 1 Peter 4:1-8; or the Old Testament reading, Job 14:1-14. We get pieces of these stories in other three-year lectionary readings, but not these pieces, unless we observe Holy Saturday.

As one pursuing parish ministry, I am not eager to heap more liturgies on overburdened priests; but why is this the one we skip? Why are these readings less important? To me it feels like we want to gloss over death and grief, and zip straight to resurrection and celebration.

The Lord's Prayer- Good Friday

Our Father
Gave himself in Jesus
Who art in Heaven
looked this day and saw a need to seek us out
Hallowed by thy name
and saw a new way to create out of darkness, make a strait way along a crooked road
Thy kingdom come,
and tonight this horrid day of persecution it will come in a most unexpected way
Thy will be done
"if it is thy will take this cup from me"
On earth as it is in heaven
the way of heaven must be a way of love
Give us this day our daily bread
Today, Jesus' bread is foul
and forgive us our trespasses
Jesus taking on our sins upon the cross
As we forgive the trespasses against us
the cross, that juncture where God forgives us
Lead us not into temptation
Let us stay true to that which you bring us to Lord
And deliver us from evil
your work of the cross now done
For thine is the kingdom and power and glory
hidden there in the broken body of the cross
forever and ever
to surprise us again and again even amidst the height of our sorrow

Lead us not into temptation

Yesterday, when my roommates and I arrived home, we had all had really bad days for various reasons - whether it was hurt pride (mine), hostile phone calls (Kelsey), or general moodiness (all of us), we were all in that funk where it's easy to rage at your circumstances. I know that I personally was tired after my 2 1/2 hour bus ride, frustrated by other issues, and hurt by a rejection letter that was waiting for me when I got home. I know that I succumbed to temptation last night; the temptation to dwell too much on worldly success, and forget about the actual kingdom of God.
It's rather appropriate that all of this happened on Maundy Thursday; we were each of us in one of our own Gethsemane days, when we question and get angry and tired about what we feel is surrounding us. I just wish I could have been stronger.

Thy will...arrrrgh

It's Good Friday, and I'm having control issues. I want to be telling God what to do. Actually, in my prayers I basically am telling God what to do...

and then there was Jesus, who could have come down off the cross, who could have defended himself, who was God Incarnate and therefore all powerful (while at the same time fully human...I can accept that, even though the Trinity continues to baffle me), and yet gave himself up, submitted, to suffering and death.



I hope that on Good Friday I can, for once, relinquish the illusion of control I typically cling to.

Forgiveness of sins

I've been thinking alot recently about the Brethren tradition of the love feast. In their congregations, it is the third sacrament, consisting of celebrating together like at the Last Supper, and washing each other's feet. It lifts up this act from a rather esoteric display of servanthood to something central to the faith, where I feel it should be.
But there's more than service to the washing of feet; it's a physical manifestation of God's forgiveness to us. Christ took the nastiest, dirtiest part of what we see about each other, and made them clean and pure again himself. Ingrown toenails, athlete's foot, grime and dirt - all were washed away. It's very similar to God washes us clean of our sins, those nastiest parts of our personalities and lives. I wish more people practiced the love feast; it's strong imagery.

Holy Week

Nothing really jumps out at me today. I think about the mundane events of my life and the grand events that will come to pass over the next couple of days. Literally life, death, resurrection, and wonder will flash before us. It seems surreal and I guess for one on the outside of faith, it would be almost comic.

If not comic certainly tragic, for at the center of story lies the brutal death of a man. Of that we can be certain.

Over the next few days we are not worshiping tragedy. We wait with baited breath that moment when tragedy is overturned. The tragedy is not diminished. Tragedy is redeemed. Our comic, violent, hopeless act becomes overturned.

So in sense their hold to comedy is correct. Not in the laughable sense but comedy in the literary sense. A wrong will be righted. The tomb will be empty. Our darkness does not have to be that which condemns us. The story does not end there...

But I am too far into the story. On this night Jerusalem awaits...

House of Bondage

This struck me this morning. I think this biblical event, i.e. God leading his people out of the house of bondage, continues metaphorically today. I know that I continually create houses of bondage for myself, and God's the only way out. It would be nice if I would stop creating such houses.

I keep meaning to look up this passage (the Decalogue) in Hebrew. I assume the root for bondage is the same one that was used in Gen 22 when Abraham bound Issac. Apparently Jews call that story, the near-sacrifice of Isaac, "The Binding."

Taking the Lord's Name in Vain

Jephthah exemplifies this commandment for me. I know that too often, I try to promise God things, try to dedicate myself to disciplines and issues that promote the kingdom or develop discipleship, knowing that I'm probably not going to go through with it - things like doing devotions every day, or tithing, or what not. I've never felt that taking the Lord's name in vain was really about swearing; really, it's about making rash promises that you don't take seriously. If Jephthah had known that his daughter would be taken from him because of the vow he made to God, would he have made it? I'm impressed that he honored it. Just more proof that we shouldn't take our commitment to our God lightly...

You shall not bow down to them or serve them

It is hard not to focus on the Apostles Creed during Holy Week. As we move toward good Friday one can imagine the nervousness in the air and the talk in Jerusalem. It was the Passover. The time of remembrance when a people were delivered by God and the most powerful nation on earth was overthrown. The climate must have been charged. Here arrived Jesus with a motley band of followers in a city with a people crying out to be liberated from a foreign occupying army. People are people so there was shock, resentment, drama as this rogue back country rabbi spoke truth against power and allegiance to God above all else. So as I read the apostles creed "suffered under Pontius Pilate" it had impact since I know how the week ends. While Jesus was innocent of the charges brought against him he was not chosen to be brought before Pilate for no reason. He had not come to Jerusalem to simply be a pilgrim.

I then read the Ten Commandments.

This whole period of Lent for me has been the continual reflection on the first command. You can't escape it in the readings:The first commandment, The fourth commandment, Our father, I believe.

God seeks us to seek him first.

Today I really saw how Jesus lived it out. Even with the threat of punishment, even with the uncomfort that he knew his words would bring, even as he must of felt the climate of Jerusalem shift against him from his royal entrance toward his criminal end, Jesus did not waver from the first command.

"Seek ye first the kingdom of God"

Judge

Today, judgment leapt out at me, as in "he will come again to judge the living and the dead" and "The Lord wil not hold him guiltless who takes his name in vain."

Judgment has always made me uncomfortable, but why? Would it make me comfortable to believe that people can behave however they wish without facing consequences? It seems that some of us (note the us, because I know I do this) abuse our Christianity by taking our forgiveness for granted. God's grace through Jesus, so no worries. Our OT professor pointed out yesterday that there is both love and jugdment in both testaments, and that to leave out either is "to impoverish the Gospel message."

To Judge the Living and the Dead

I can't help but feel a little daunted whenever I really think about the role that I am stepping into. Not necessarily for the earthly difficulties of work, dilemma, persons I may not agree with, a church hieracharchy I may struggle with. These are almost expected. People are people.

God on the other hand is God.

All I really want is God to greet me at my death, "Well done my good and faithful servant."

There is risk in taking on this position. There is the risk of getting caught up in power or the prestige. As a friend of mine often recounts, he does not want to win the "millstone of the year award." Nor do I.

I can't help to think of "To he whom much has been given, much will be demanded."

I hope I never forget to whom I owe my allegianance.

Father

The only word that keeps leaping out at me but that I keep trying not to notice is father. My father has been unwell for some time; he'll have a setback, then things will look better, then suddenly another setback. I feel some anger with God about this, and I don't want to, so I tend to try not to think about it. (Maybe that's one reason I keep too busy...maybe it's not all about a drive for grades?) But, in a loving relationship, such as the one I want with God, it is important that I allow and acknowlege the anger, because otherwise I won't be able to work past it, toward reconciliation and healing. So, that's where I am this moment, angry with an all-powerful God whom, it would seem, has heaped problems on my dad for two and a half years, or has refused to intervene on Dad's behalf, or something.

"thine is the glory"

The preacher at my church here tends to get on these kicks, where the same ideas is central to his sermon every week - this theme has been going for two months now, talking about how the divine is in each of us as we follow Christ. He always illustrates it in different ways; yesterday, he had each of us process through the congregation, who were standing in two lines holding palms, while everyone chanted "Blessed is (insert name), who comes in the name of the Lord. Hosanna!" I like the fact that James Lees Presbyterian consciously honors the fact that we're all created in the image of God, but sometimes it seems that Phil's lessons border on transcendentalism. Yesterday morning, it felt like we were misplacing that glory, and honoring ourselves instead of the only one who's truly worthy of honor. But I guess we can't get it right every time, can we?

He Rose Again

What a phenomenal claim!

I have to be honest this title was influenced by another's post. As this practice continues I find that my thoughts have been influenced as much by the others writing as the readings themselves. Do we not "arise" together?

Yet this one idea. This one great incarnate claim about Jesus rising from the grave is huge. The claim, regardless of its historicity or truth, has changed the world. It's claim is what defines Christianity. It is one thing to raise the dead (as wild as that sounds), it is all together another to have God truly overcome death by submitting to human death.

I have never really been able to pinpoint the point where I moved from doubt to faith. I am still not able to do the mental gymnastics to even have comfort with the claims of my last paragraph. What did influence my crossover was the witness of the first disciples. They "influenced" my understanding. While I may not be able to understand God I can understand human behavior a little bit. I would not die for a lie.

Sabbath

I can tell that I just had a sabbath experience (on a class retreat), because different phrases are jumping out at me; i.e. "rose from the dead" instead of "descended to the dead"; "heaven" instead of "thou shalt not."

Nice to realize that sabbath does not just mean sleeping in and not doing anything; sabbath experiences can be listening to others, walking in the woods (I'm still adverse to the word 'hike'; sounds too much like work); yoga; late-night talks and laughter with a circle of women. I feel rejuvenated, if not physically rested (because it really was a LATE night.)

resurrection of the body and the life everlasting

On Monday, I become a permanent employee at the firm where I've been temping since November. Because of this change in status, I've been filling out all sorts of paperwork for the different policies that come along with a new employer. As I was making my life insurance decision, I discovered that I needed to decide, essentially, the monetary value of my life. How much would my parents get paid if I die? And doesn't our salvation prove that our lives are really worth much more that we any value we could assign them?
As I was reading through the Apostles' Creed, on my lunch break, strange images started to form in my mind as I thought about some of the practical issues surrounding these statements of faith. If that means we believe each Christian is physically resurrected (and I'm not sure whether it does or not), and time continues after the judgment, would the beneficiaries of the life insurance policies of Christians be required to repay their allotments? Imagine the court cases that could ensue, as companies like Hartford try to recoup their losses.... Anyway, I guess those are my thoughts for today.

"eat, eat, eat"

There is a part of me that always tries to do this before the children wake. Yet each time they come bounding down the stairs there is always something that happens in the house that makes more sense here.

Benjamin who was eating yogurt decided to share his vigor with Rebekah by telling her as only a two year old can. "EAT. EAT. EAT." This was accompanied by the spoon hitting the table. It was with excitement and authority.

If only we offered Eucharist to each other in the same way.

My children are providing a window for me I did not expect.

Holy Catholic Church

Our churches are conflicted. We have become embroiled in political wars over issues of interpretation of a few non-central passages, and in doing so, destroy the unity we are called to as the Christian community. I hurt everytime I hear words like "apostate" applied to those who believe in the salvation through Jesus Christ, and affirm the tenets of the Apostle's Creed, but have come to a different understanding of what the Bible mandates for the way we relate to each other. I get angry when I see the way we divide ourselves, and close off dialogue throughout the community of Christians because of our defensiveness. These attacks, from both sides, have created a lack of trust within the churches, and through it, we are losing our "catholicism," our unity (not uniformity) that we affirm in the documents that define what it means to be a Christian. How are we supposed to minister to the world if we can't live in peace with ourselves?

i believe in Jesus Christ

three exams down, none to go. Thanks be to God.

Thine is the Glory

My brain is used up tonight, after two tests today. I really wanted/want As on both, and probably got Bs. But making it about my grades is going to class for my glory, not God's.

I'm sooooo tired.

Do not lie (false witness)

The second half of the ten commandments deal with our relationships with others. They also relate to the first. If I bear false witness or provide false information to or about my neighbor I have done something interesting in relation to "hold no gods before me". As I was pondering this, through the morning (in a different context) it seems that my lying presents me as over and above my neighbor. Have I not placed myself above my neighbor by deeming my view of the truth as the truth? Have I not idolized myself? Have I not become in the new world I have created in the altered truth become creator?

Then there is the part of the lie in which I lie because I am uncomfortable with the consequences of the truth. Do I not trust my God enough to live through those consequences? Do I not trust in deliverance? I second guess providence when I try to deliver myself.

This is all before I even consider the injustice of the lie itself to the other. The second half of the ten commandments certainly help create the safe place that a community can grow. They also remind me to stay closer to the first. We are a people who have been taken from bondage.

...or that is in the water under the earth...

I am puzzled. I get the whole graven images thing - we're not supposed to up anything before God - but the examples of what we're not supposed to worship sometimes confound me. Today, I wonder what exactly is meant by the things that are in the water that is under the earth. I wish I could get into the minds of the Hebrew people, and see what they thought was under the earth, so I could get this passage. Are they referring to cave monsters? Sea Serpents? It's a quandary to me...

Hmm, did I even read it?

I will never get over how fast things are moving. I realize that next March will be the last real March I have here. The March of our senior year we will have one foot out the door, I'll be back in CT at least once I am sure, and the family will be preparing to go. So really, I only have one more real March left.
So when I sit to read the prayers tonight, I am struck by how little I actually read them. This afternoon a spiritual director told me to live in the now. But do I ever? Do I ever get to a point where I just am?
I think the papers and studying have finally completed the process of total conversion of my brain to mush that my years teaching began. At some point in some distant future I will look back on these days, laugh nervously, and change the subject. Until then, it will just fly by like the readings tonight.

Our Father

Our.
Our.
Our.

What if this means more theirs than mine. My tendency is to want God to be more mine than others. I say "our" but usually end up simply thinking of "my". It's not "my" however but "our".

This might sound odd but I wonder if "my" Christianity is really "mine" at all. Maybe I'm just a squatter on God's land and my purpose is simply to give it away?

Our father...He more theirs than mine... this does not come easy to someone like myself who is habitually concerned about "my " and Mine.

the communion of saints

The communion of saints is a concept that has always held great comfort for me. As an extreme extrovert, I like the idea that my faith journey isn't a solitary thing. Instead, all of those of us who choose to follow are all one big family, brought together in community through the body of Christ. When we eat of that bread, and drink of that cup, we share that which nourishes us with our sisters and brothers throughout the world. What an amazing idea!

Heaven

"Heaven" jumped out at me today, reminding me of a fellow postulant from my diocese who is attendeding another seminary, who kept telling people on the Standing Committee and Commission on Ministry when we were at convention last month that every morning since she'd been at seminary, she "woke up feeling like she was in heaven." I felt very annoyed after I'd heard that for about the ninth time, because that had not been my experience at all.

I really relate to the recent posts of Brian and Steve...I thought it would be different here, but I know so much of the problem is ME, my ego; wanting to get As, but not wanting to make the sacrifices necessary to get them...for example, I intend to stay married; I enjoy having conversations with people at school; I love the committees on which I serve--I don't want to give any of that up. Still, it always does feel I could work harder; check e-mail less; something. But I am "busy" every minute...I walk to school, but usually have my nose in Hebrew flashcards. When I dry my hair, I read a book. I really don't think this is the way God intends me to answer a call. And, as I have said many times but it doesn't sink in, I honestly believe that God doesn't give a rat's patootie if I get an A or a B.

But I still care...arrrgh.

The blessed sabbath, too soon over

I had a wonderful weekend with my wife's parents who were down visiting us. They took us to dinner, we went to the Zoo and to the museums, we talked for hours, and all without doing one drop of homework. It may cost me a bit on the last paper that I just finished, but it was worth it. A blessed sabbath indeed.
I think that may be missing from our current culture. We don't gather together in an extended family often enough and enjoy the company of those who we are called to be a part of in that mystical bond of family. To all of you who have a famliy close by, be it a spouse, a child, or a parent, give them a hug from me. Tell them it is part of my thanksgiving for a blessed sabbath, and I hope they get to experience it too. Peace all.

The blessed sabbath, too soon over

I had a wonderful weekend with my wife's parents who were down visiting us. They took us to dinner, we went to the Zoo and to the museums, we talked for hours, and all without doing one drop of homework. It may cost me a bit on the last paper that I just finished, but it was worth it. A blessed sabbath indeed.
I think that may be missing from our current culture. We don't gather together in an extended family often enough and enjoy the company of those who we are called to be a part of in that mystical bond of family. To all of you who have a famliy close by, be it a spouse, a child, or a parent, give them a hug from me. Tell them it is part of my thanksgiving for a blessed sabbath, and I hope they get to experience it too. Peace all.

He is seated at the right hand of the Father

So the whole "seminary isn't competitve thing" is totally over for me. I'm not sure when it happened, but somewhere between CPE and Field Ed sites I realized that 56 of us were competing for a limited number of spaces. This is an interesting revelation for me becuase not too long ago my career goal was "crushing fingers on my way up the corporate ladder." I knew back then that I wouldn't be happy until I was the CEO of a Fortune 500 company. I had an ultimate goal not unlike that bickered over by James and John. Each wanting to sit on his right or left hand. But the competitor in me realizes there are a couple much more coveted (d'oh) spaces, those on the right hand of God the Father. But phew, Jesus sits on the right hand of God the Father, that's one less position I have to clamor (very close to coveting but not quite) for. The thinker in me would suspect that maybe Mary is sitting on the left hand of God the Father (imaculate conception and all). And Jesus was quite clear that he isn't in charge of who sits where, so the rungs on the ladder are slowly filling, and I don't have to worry about it. So I'm not really sure where this is going, but I'm starting to think that maybe I should buy back into the whole "seminary isn't competitive thing."

Amen

Amen is a dangerous word. It's not just a finishing phrase. It's along the lines of "Let's make this happen." Faith is more than just saying the right words and having the right ideas; it's working make those words real in our daily lives. I guess it's appropriate that we end our statements of faith with Amen. Often time it's seen as "Well, isn't that nice, this is a complete thought," where as really it's a "Alright, we've laid out what we believe about what this world is and what it ought to be, and now we're going to go out and live up to what we just spouted." In that one little word, we have our sending forth and our commission. I wish I just lived up to my Amen a little bit better most days.

Reflection brought on by the practice or don't overestimate the size of your sandbox.

My children wake up to early.

It's hard to reflect on the practice when your four year old is blowing a whistle and your littlest is handing you plastic egg after plastic egg. (We're dealing with graven images in our house. It is the build up to the "other" easter of candy and rabbits).

What struck me this morning is that Benjamin is incredibly proud that he knows the word for "egg". He says it with authority as he hands them to me. For age two it is quite an accomplishment. I keep handing them back and saying "Yes, Benjamin it is an egg."(which of course promps him to hand it back till I shoo him off)

I then thought about my Christian practice. I can think about the steps I've taken and the journey for a deeper faith. For me it has meant incredible growth. But this morning I know I should seek greater humility. I have this sense that if I was to approach Augustine, CS Lewis, Merton, Paul I would just be like Benjamin. I might proudly announce "Christianity" to them which they would smile kindly in a paternalistic way.

"Yes Scott, "Christianity". Go back now and play."

Daily Bread

My brain is not operating well...used it up writing papers, and now have one more class; need to finish an outline, and then study for three exams. (Plus three committee meetings this week; need to write a report for one of them.)

My daily bread this week will probably be the early morning dog walks...it's starting to get light a little earlier (although that will soon end with daylight savings time; bah), and it's not quite as cold, and the dog is always contagiously enthusiastic. She also helps me to not rush around so much, since she's always finding things to stop and stick her nose in. (Usually these are things I wish she would ignore.) Nice when something I have to do (because we live in an apartment) can be one of the little daily breads that helps get me through the day.

(The cat, on the other hand, knocked over my vase of daffodils...)

our [my] Lord

Boy oh boy do I gloss over those two little words in the creed. Jesus Christ is God's only Son, our Lord. So what exactly does it mean to that Jesus is our (read from here on out "my") Lord? For all intents and purposes it means that I have changed my allegiance. I once was a slave to sin but now am a servant of Christ (who was himself a servant). Giving Jesus the honor due his Lordship is not merely a matter of bended knee or saying the right collect at the right time, but total commitment to him and the life to which he calls me. I have spent much of the evening in a debate with some classmates over human sexuality while Cassie is reading a Dallas Willard devotional. Occasionally she'll blurt out a phrase or sentence which really resonates with her, and that is the basis of my post tonight.

Willard, talking about the lack of disciplined discipleship in churches offers the following insight into Jesus' Lordship

Most problems in contemporary churches can be explained by the fact that members have yet decided to follow Christ. Little good results form insisting that Christ is also supposed to be Lord: to present his lordship as an option leaves it squarely in the category of the white-wall tires and stereo equipment for the new car. You can do without it. And it is - alas! - far from clear what you would do with it. Obedience and training in obedience [to Christ] form no intelligible doctrinal or practical unity with the salvation presented in recent [read liberal] versions of the gospel. - excerpt from The Spirit of the Disciplines.

So my thought is this, Jesus is my Lord and as it is part of the creed which makes up the baptismal covenant that my parents made for me as an infant, that I made personal at confirmation, and I reaffirm at Easter it is not optional like white-wall tires and stereo equipment (sorry for the old metaphor). I figure out what it means to have Jesus as my Lord, and maybe we (the body of Christ) should figure out what it means to have Jesus as our Lord.

Thy kingdom come

Over the last few years, Louisville has been an economic hotbed, since the headquarters for YUM! brands (owners of Taco Bell, KFC, Pizza Hut and other chains) is right down the street from the headquarters for the Presbyterian Church (USA), which has been very involved in a 3+ year long boycott of Taco Bell, in support for the tomato pickers of Immokalee, Florida.

Last week, we received news that the Yum! and the Council of Immokalee Workers had reached a settlement, and the boycott was over (at least for now). It's always gratifying to know that we're a little bit closer to reflecting the kingdom of God when these things happen. It's time to celebrate with the tomato pickers of Florida, who are now closer to a living wage.

Also, thank you all for checking in when I hadn't been posting - I was without internet access for approximately a week because of various meetings. I really missed being able to participate in this community. In fact, my Committee on Preparation asked me to continue with this discipline once lent is over. Is anyone else game?

Servants

I covet my neighbor's servants this morning because my house is a wreck (I can't believe I just wrote house! We live in an APARTMENT, and have since July 15th), and it won't change this week as I have two finals and a mid-term, and then I will be away all next weekend.

I'm also not doing well with the sabbath commandment.

Thy will be done

I keep forgetting this. I keeping thinking things should go the way I see them going. It's habit really. I live my life and plan my plans. I work hard and expect sometimes that God should see my wishes through. Haven't I merited this? Have not I made certain sacrifices' in order to know His will more closely? More intimately? Does this not allow me to lay claim upon God? Like some spiritual bartering?

The answer is no. God's will will be done. I can either join it or find myself out of it by my own devices. Thy will be done.

This is a dangerous prayer. Thy will be done. Praying that God will reach his people even if I am removed from the picture. Thy will be done. Praying that God will create peace in the world even if that means we are not a part of it. Thy will be done. Praying that God will watch over my family and then discovering that at times I'm part of the problem and not the solution. Thy will be done, Thy will be done, Thy will be done. Even if it means I find myself in scandal, failure, difficulty I'm to pray this prayer and accept things as they come.

Now mind you, I don't want to end up that way but like Esther if this were to suit God's plan then acceptance is the only real key to living out Thy will be done.

Forgiveness of Sins

Every time I pray the creed I say that I believe in the forgiveness of sins, but somehow this hasn't truly sunk into me. It's one in a series of phrases I recite; kind of a mindless checklist. This is truly a rather disturbing little epiphany for me; there it is, in the familiar creed I've said since I was a child, yet I have trouble believing that God can forgive me for leaving the church and my faith for about ten years, and for the things I did during that time. Not that I am free from sin now, but somehow I have trouble letting go of those now ten-year-old sins.

Honor your mother and father

I'm drawing a bit of a blank. It could be that I am surrounded by children as I write this. We are going through growing pains. It's easy to be spiritual when the house is quiet. It is all together different when surrounded by a four year old seeking attention and a 12 year old who seems to be looking for negative attention right now. ARRRRRGGGGG

Honor your father and your mother seems to be the only thing that jumps out. This is not because I was any good at it. It is because I start to see the beauty of this command as a father and not as a child. I certainly like to be honored but forget the golden rule. The command is not telling my children to honor me but me to honor my mother and father.

With nuclear families it is increasingly difficult to do this. No longer do we live in the same house or even town. Hundreds of miles separate us. To honor them is difficult.

I can honor them by praying for them.
I can honor them by understanding that they did their very best.
I can honor them by passing on love to my children.
I can honor them by calling (there's a wacky concept)
I can honor them by helping other parents.

It seems the command seems difficult if I look at the problem. By looking to a solution the command is an invitation.

By the way my favorite little catch phrase about children is hardly pastoral. I've said this to a variety of persons and it is only persons who do not have children who react with shock. I've never met a parent who didn't chuckle.

"Why did God make children so cute? Because if they were not we'd kill them."

There is always a bit of truth in jokes.

Hmmmm maybe that is why we're created in His image?

God's Only Son

I struggle with that phrase, especially in light of the other readings...if Jesus Christ is God's only son, why do we call God Father?

i believe in Jesus Christ...

and that's enough for me.

nighty night

Out of the house of bondage

To make peace in this world I create patterns for myself that make life bearable,like that all important shower in the morning. Just knowing that shower will be a part of waking up is extremely important to me, to the point where I seldom will be willing to leave the house before I get that shower. I look forward to it, even now as I write this, Tomorrow morning the alarm radio will sound, I will struggle to my feet, and the bliss of hot water will cascade down. And if I get up late, I will not skip that shower just to make up time.
I know this sounds rather mundane, but I am like this in other aspects of my life. It's my way of controlling the chaos around me. The problem is that in trying to control the world the very patterns become a prison. A prison of the soul trying to defend itself against ll the chaos of existence. I sacrifice spiritual freedom in exchange for the comfort of the bars that hold me in. Some of the patterns may be good ones, some may not be, and some definitely are not, but yet I build them. The riddle of whether I am held in or the world is held out plays in my head all the time.
I look to an end of times where these bonds are broken. Where the perfect freedom chosen is the one that leads to perfect peace. Total subjection to the chaos of the present is futile. But in that blessed day it will be total subjection to the shining love of God. God brought Israel out of bondage and I know the story goes on in a different direction, but this phrase speaks to me this way tonight. The miracle may be that God will do again what he did then, and in a more miraculous way. I pray for the eventual freedom of us all.

Adultery, Covetness, First command

Thou shall not commit adultery.

Adultery in our society does not seem like such a big deal. Sure it destroys homes but if it happens you can always get a new wife or husband. (read sarcasm here)

In the OT the people who have lost sight of God are called an Adulterous generation. They have forgotten God and now seek out Idols. God is often pictured as Bridegroom as compared to the "whore of Babylon". Faithfulness to God is compared to faithfulness in the marriage bed.

How does an adulterous nation become adulterous? What leads persons to abandon?

I wonder if when covetness runs amok, adultery is the natural result. It seems that adultery is the result of not making good choices going in. Could it be that when we give our lives away so easily we do not really know the persons we are committing to in marriage.

Marriage is no salvation! I think as a society we're quick to make the decision and short on the commitment.

Why is the commitment abandoned? Is based on lack of trust? Even if in a rough spot is there any reason to believe that God can not see it through. Is difficulty justification or the opportunity to trust more?

There is a connection here. God seems more interested in our relationships in the here and now then in the ones we might imagine we need. We are called to not to seek out greener pasture by not committing adultery. We are called not to imagine seeking out greener pasture by not coveting. We are called to love our God in trusting God with the very relationships that we have. I'm having a hard time putting this into words but there is indeed a connection.

Life Everlasting/Heaven

I've never been able to wrap my mind around "life everlasting." It was one of the ten thousand things I used to worry about as a child (who said Sunday School is a good thing for kids?)...NEVER ending...something that goes on and on and never ends. I would get myself quite worked up obsessing about it.

When people die, the idea of an afterlife can be quite comforting, especially the being-with-God part (especially when we overlook that judgment stuff), and having him wipe away the tears from their eyes (although such an act of wiping away tears would be frowned upon in CPE). Sometimes, occasionally, to me, the idea of death just being an end is easier to deal with then with an afterlife that goes on and on. But of course, that's only when thinking about my own death; it's unbearable when thinking about those I've loved who've died.

Thou shalt not steal

After my lunch time conversation about Sin with Laura and Seth and others, I can't get the image out of my mind. Sin for me is a word used in trying to describe my relationship with God, not with other people. God doesn't say stealing is a sin. He says thou shalt not steal. Stealing is wrong. If I steal something from another human, I fail to follow God's laws and I sin against God.
Now this leads me down different paths with our list. My afternoon conversations with Laura are about teaching children about sin, and we disagree on some key ideas. But here, I feel reaffirmed as I read. I mentioned earlier that I favor the new Lord's prayer over the Old, but the new one has a mistake to me as well, in which we somehow need to worry about sinning against each other. No, sin is a debt we pay to God, resitution is a debt we pay to each other.
So I guess I have a beef with both prayers, and I need to write a new one. I'll use another greek translation and instead of sin I will use debt. And I will take Elizabeth's idea and use some hebrew in it as well, since the words sound with deeper meaning. And then i will have a totally individual religion just for me... (ok, I digress). I heard a conversation today about the individualistic developments and how communal religious sentiment is getting left out of the equation. So maybe I need to accept some things I don't quite jive with for the sake of living and praying with my fellow men. Is this the Via Media? Peace All.

thy will be done...

ok so I know I'm not the only one, but do you ever wonder just what God is up to? Cass might kill me for sharing this, so it doesn't go past this blog, but I get asked nearly everyday, "Steve, can we go home?" This kills me. I know that a lot of it comes from the stress of her anal retentive boss. I know that this is her first time away from home. I know that family is very important to her. I know, I know, I know. And yet, I often wonder if one of us is being closed off to the will of God. Is it my vainglory that keeps me trudging through this blasted process just so I can say I made it? Or is it Cass' uncomfortableness with change that keeps her from getting on board? Or maybe, just maybe, are we called instead to be right here, right now, struggling, TOGETHER? Hey maybe that's it. Maybe God's will (on earth as it is in heaven) is for the two of us to grow closer to him through the daily realization that neither one of us has the strength to do it alone (nor even as a couple).

Man I hope so, cuz if Cass is right and I'm just a stiff-necked idiot with a twisted need to wear a stiff-necked collar, I'm going to be up crap creek without a paddle.

Pontius Pilate

Can you imagine being Pontius Pilate now?

It just struck me that there is only one name remembered beyond the Trinity. It Pontius Pilate. Now we all sin. Some far worse than others. But let's pretend Origin is correct and there is universal salvation due to the sacrifice of Christ. Imagine being Pontius Pilate in heaven:

"Hey aren't you..."
"Yea, my sin made the creed."
"bummer"

"ah... any tension between you and... ah... the big guy?"
"Nah, he forgave me like everybody else. The problem is that everybody else knows. How was I supposed to know it was Him?"

Some press you simply do not want.

I Am the Lord Your God Who

This morning I'm struck by the first sentence in the Decalogue; apparently that's rather common in the OT, for God to preface his pronouncements by reminding the Israelites of what he has done for them. I wonder if my prayer life would change at all if I started my prayers that way...You are the Lord My God who never left that whole decade when I was in my 20s and pretended you didn't exist.You are the Lord my God who somehow supported me through the discernment process even though it seemed to be riddled with potholes and pits.

But then, that's probably the Protestant Reformation influence showing up, that I would turn "your God" into "my God," when the reverse should be plural, reflecting the community, not just me. You are the Lord Our God who continues to seek relationship with us, no matter how many ways we try to screw it up.

i believe...

I'm getting squirrelly, I know it, so today is going to be short.

At the end of the 2nd Blue Collar Comedy Tour DVD the guys are all on stage singing a song called, "I believe..." Each fills in the verse with an appropriate line from their life. Every morning (or at least most mornings) my verse says, "I believe..." followed by one creed or another, and I love it. Every (again most) mornings I get to reaffirm why I'm in this place to begin with, because I believe in God; Father, Son, and Holy Spirit. I believe (and the church has affirmed for the most part) that the same God has called me to serve the church in an ordained capacity. I believe that in spite of all my complaining and annoyances God has some cool stuff in store. I believe that God should have that glory, all the glory.

Or in the words of Ron White, "I believe... I'll have a scotch."

I think that's where the squirrelly thing comes in... oh well.

Sabbath and Forever and ever

Two things struck me as I get ready to exegete some of Elijah for OT class. I noticed that the Sabbath section of the Ten commandments appears to be the longest. I will have to check that against the hebrew, but I think it is the hands down winner in size. Since alot of the hebrew interpretation I have been reading is based on position of certain words and length of statements, I think we might need to rethink the whole Thou shalt not Kill being the most important commandment.
The second thing to hit me, which actually hit me first, is the forever and ever at the end of the Lord's prayer (even though it is the wrong version). Why the repetition? As if forever is not long enough, we make it even longer. And not just because it sounds good in music (I hear Handel's Messiah...). Is it another emphasis by length thing going on here? It's not just that the kingdom shall be forever. Forever and ever. Hmm, I'll have to mediate on that for a while. Peace all!

I believe in Jesus Christ

I believe mostly because others died defending the idea of His resurrection with no other motive but the truth. I believe because of CS Lewis and Narnia. I believe because of Sir Richards Attenborough documentary on Mother Teresa. I believe because of an experience of love at 16 and a deepening in my 20's. I believe because my Nana and my Grandmother Bertha prayed for me and told me about Jesus. I believe because of Thomas Merton and his Autobiography. I believe because I have acted as if and "faked it until I made it". I believe because I live in culture that has not entirely lost its roots. I believe because Jesus can haunt a man by continually knocking. I believe because of many gatherings of "2 or 3 in My name". I believe because I was told in another community, "look in the mirror and whatever you see there realize that "that" is not God". I believe because I taught it. I believe because of the "Hound of Heaven". I believe because His life reflects the audatious covenant revealed in the OT. I believe because Augustine conceived of grace as gravity. I believe because love is not out of fashion.
I believe...

Covet/Deliver

I am experiencing coveting issues this morning as it rains and I procrastinate walking the dog. I covet a yard into which I could just let her out. For the rest of today, after I can finally bring myself to take her out, the apartment will smell like a wet dog.

But the word that really stands out for me today is deliver. Even though I was born into the Episcopal church, I have yet to develop a taste for our chanting. It usually distracts me from worship; I am thinking of "deliver us" as a response in the Great Litany. When we sing (or whatever the sound is called) that as a response in the great litany, inside my head I am begging to be delivered from the litany itself.

But it's such a powerful word...we learned it recently in Hebrew, but I can't write Hebrew characters here. Somehow the guttural sounds in Hebrew seem to give the word more power, whereas chanting it, for me, lessens it.

the forgiveness of sins

I have to admit I thought Scott had a typo in the Apostle's Creed. For some reason I had it in my head that I believe in the forgiveness of sin. I think it might be easier that way, I can believe that God forgives the concept of sin. For me to believe in the forgiveness of sins, my sins, in their various forms, recurring ways, and annoying habits. Wouldn't it be great if I could get it down to God's forgiveness of sin, not the concept of sin this time, but that I had but one sin to confess? Maybe if I did confession every 5 - 10 seconds I could say it that way.

I believe in the forgiveness of sins because I have to. I am freed from my slavery to sin (when I allow myself to be) by God's forgiveness of all may various and and sundry sins (being judgmental pops into my mind). Anyway, I'm glad I have the opportunity to believe in the forgiveness of sins because without it I'd be up the proverbial creek (pronounced crick) without a paddle.

Did this make any sense? I think I need to go to bed.

Nothing but the Kingdom

This might be a short one, which I am sure is a relief to many of you after my last couple of rants. But tonight, as I procrastinate from doing all the work still to do before bed, I am struck just by the word Kingdom. Of all the kingdoms the world has seen and is currently seeing, I expect this kingdom, the one that is yours Almighty God, to be far beyond my expectations. I read of the temple built during Solomon's time, and the glorious perfect city of Revelation, and I immediately am turned off. Just like the Hebrews never said the LORD's name, I don't think it right to try to describe God's kingdom. It is all that can be imagined, and yet it is nothing like what we could possibly see in our mind's eye.
With all the stress going on in our lives, I pray you have a moment to rest in the thought of the Kingdom, waiting for us in the end of days. It is in that moment that I can almost sense the joyous relief and the blessed smile on my face the moment I see God. It is a final rest, and a glorious beginning. It is nothing but yours, O God, your kingdom. May we all be blessed to join you there.

I believe in Jesus Christ

I have always come to belief by the back door. I'm a thomist so doubting is second nature. Thomas there with the risen Jesus there with him. It was not enough. That is my kind of guy...poke, poke, poke.

Faith for me is discovering what does not work.

Intellect (or pseudo intellect) will not save me.
Pride will not save me.
Career will not save me.
Income will not save me.
Status will not save me.
Excitement will not save me.
Family will not save me.
Excercise will not save me.
Marriage will not save me.
Children will not save me.
Poetry will not save me.
Flight will not save me.
alcohol will not save me.
Politics will not save me.
Nationalism will not save me.

I believe that small groups in which risk can be taken and truth be told. I believe in people who join for prayer even if the majority "don't believe" in any particular faith. I believe in helping ones fellow man. I believe in making restitution. I believe in confession not because one ought to but because it is liberating. I believe that one can not think ones way into to good action but that one can act ones way into good thinking. Yet these only seem to prepare a way. They don't complete the work.

I believe in Jesus Christ. May my actions say as much.

Steadfast Love

Steadfast love were the key words for me this morning. The past several weeks have been, for me, a difficult time to be pursuing the priesthood in an Episcopal seminary, with problems within the Anglican communion, and problems within my particular diocese. These things cause me to seriously examine my call to this particular church at this particular time; God's steadfast love is something to cling to.

Thine is the glory

I am no linguist. There are however quite a few around me. The following was taken to be true simply because I have no evidence to suggest otherwise.

I was in my Spanish/prayer book class last week. The professor was sharing that the Spanish form for you is either TU or Ustedes. Spanish has two forms for you. The "TU" form is the form used with friends. It is intimate. The Ustedes form is used for more formal occasions. In the Spanish prayer book the TU form is always used for God. God is always addressed in the more intimate form. I found that comforting.

The reason I write all this is that as the conversation went on someone brought up the idea that Thee, Thine, Thou of our loved and not so loved, old English, actually was the most intimate way to speak of God. At the time to use Thee, Thine, and Thou was similar to the way the Spanish language uses the TU form for addressing God. As the conversation progressed it was told that due to the fact that these very intimate forms were the ones used for God that somewhere along the line due to that intimacy it became formalized because it was the form reserved for God.

Just another nugget I would have forgotten had I not reflected. But wait, there's more...

The reason Thine jumped out at me is that I so often forget to have the first commandment first. I'll forget that the reason I'm jumping through all these hoops, taking all these classes, writing all these papers, not reading all these books I'm supposed to is not for my glory but for His. I forget so quickly that my Christianity is not for me. I'll forget so quickly that it is not for my edification at all. When I forget that it is Thine (a most intimate use of you) glory I become an Idol unto myself.

"I believe, help thou my unbelief" As a Thomist this is my only hope.

glad to be back

Well I've been out of it for a few days, class requirements have taken up 4 hour chunks of two evenings and I've been beat, but I'm so glad to be back to reading, thinking, praying, and reflecting. There have been some excellent posts over the past few days, even those with which I can't wholeheartedly agree.

Today I was struck by the concept and history of the Apostle's Creed. I had the (mis)fortune of having to see Marcus Borg lecture at St. Columba's last night. The man has some great ideas for what the Christian faith should look like, namely a transformative relationship with God. However I do think he throws the baby out with the bath water. Apparently believing in right doctrine was a product of the Enlightenment and as such we aren't really required to believe that the Bible is God breathed, or that Jesus rose from the dead, etc. I guess that's all well and good, I mean America is such a wonderful place to live (contrary to popular opinion) and we are all free to practice our own religions. It makes me wonder then why people like Dr. Borg insist on being called Christians, when they are free to be whatever it is they actually are.

So as I read the ancient creed, and thought about the church councils that created the (gasp) "fundamentals" of the Christian faith some 1600+ years ago, I wondered if maybe St. Paul was right. Maybe the Good News of God in Christ (and him crucified) is again a stumbling block for us, but why then throw it out, why not allow God to open our eyes so that we might see, our ears so that we might hear, and our minds so that we might know the redemptive and transformative love of God: Father, Son, and Holy Spirit!?!

A post script: Cassie says this post is too judgmental, and I think she may be right. Who am I to judge who is on the inside and who is on the outside? Dr. Borg would question whether there was an inside or an outside, but we'll leave that for others to debate. I guess I just get nervous when people begin to throw out huge chunks of tradition and start breaking the Scripture leg of the great Anglican stool leaving just reason (note its promince post-enlightenment) to its own human devices. So my apologies to Dr. Borg and those of his theological ilk. May God continue to bless his creation, and may we all be open (ears, eyes, minds, and hearts) for Christ's redemption and transformation through the power of the Holy Spirit.

Tresspass/Sin

So trespass leapt out at me today, although I'm sure that's due to the two recent fabulous posts on it.

Several years ago in church, when we prayed the traditional Lord's Prayer, I would always substitute "sin" for the word trespass, because trespass seemed to me to be watering down the real thing. Now, I can pray either version without wincing...I still prefer sin, but I also prefer "Lead us not into temptation" over "save us from the time of trial." (Having been labeled "conflict avoidant" in the discernment process, I certainly would like to be saved from trials, but it seems like a wimpy thing for which to ask.)

Trespassing makes me think of cutting through people's lawns. For me, it just doesn't have the same teeth as "sin."

I like the verb for sin in Hebrew very much...great guttural beginning. Maybe I'll start using that one under my breath when we pray the Lord's Prayer...

He descended to the dead....

The summer after my freshman year of high school, one of my classmates dissappeared out of an emergency room in Olympia. Since her dissappearance 9 1/2 years ago, posters have been distributed and people have searched for her. Last week, Katrina's remains (only a skeleton) were discovered in the bushes at one of our local parks. They think they've been there since she first left us.
She "descended to the dead" nine years ago, and none of us knew for certain. I don't know what the community of the dead looks like (none of us do), or if there really is a community, but it must be lonely there. When I think about her, it comforts me to think that Christ descended as well, and so there is at least some companionship in the isolation.

Trespass!!!

I love the spirit of this. We have this daily collection of reflections that demonstrate a small people seeking out the divine. There is such a variety and maybe it is not so important that we see all things the same maybe it is that we are willing to walk together.

I hear this "antiquated" prayer in my sleep. For me it is a source of strength and the call to drop the worldly cares of envy, pride, anger, covetness to again refocus on the God of our understanding. I have been raised on it. I belong to a community of two million strong spiritual misfits who close every gathering with this prayer.

In the past 24 hours I have my hands full of trespass. I was confronted by one of my classmates as having caused that person "a grievous trespass". I was tempted to fall into this particular attack and ready to take it on. My pattern is to allow persons full privilege into my person which sends me immediately into the feeling that I must have done something wrong. I come from a long line of worriers. Grace however showed up. I prayed. Something new came. Instead of receiving the trespass I found that I could sidestep it. I did not have to take the trespass on when I was not in error. It was liberating. I could allow my classmate to rage if he liked. I was not responsible. Normally (and I hope now abnormally) I would of bristled with defensiveness, defended my position, and in the process created a worse situation in which I would probably have to make amends. I almost went there automatically. Sitting in the emotion that was triggered was painful. By not reacting I found that it was not so much this attack that was really bothering me but the memories of my teen years and the bullying I would not defend myself from as a kid. I was not taught to really love myself enough as a kid to defend myself from people I thought were "friends". I never really knew that I had the choice to remove myself from critical persons. So there it was sitting there like an emotional volcano. Had I reacted I would have never given myself time to discover that. And it really wasn't me. It was grace that allowed me to hold my tongue yesterday because I was ready at that moment to trade one trespass for another.

By sidestepping it, I let my brother own his own anger and I can work on not creating new trespasses. Now I can do the work of prayer. Instead of creating new hurt I can now pray for my brother in Christ having not made the situation worse. I also find myself praying for the "friends" of long ago. I can forgive them seeing that I was also responsible for allowing them to target me. I had let them cross my boundaries. I no longer need to anymore. There is freedom in Christ!

"Forgive our trespasses as we forgive those who trespass against us."

Lead us not into temptation

I was really tempted to skip this discipline this morning...I'm running late and I'm tired and cranky. Kind of scary how easy it is to get tempted.

But, here I am.

Trespass?

Here is where I stake my integrity as a future minister. Here is where I lay down the line that must be crossed and force all in my path to cross it. Too long have we sought comfort and forgot that it is not peace but a sword to prod us continually in the butt that Jesus brings. It is time to make the change everyone.
You know where I am going. For all you out there who memorized the antiquated language of the "traditional" Lord's Prayer, I have news for you. It no longer applies to people from Gen X and younger. We all trespass. All the time. The word means nothing to us. It is right up there with Loitering. We don't care. And as for thou and thine, we only use those when we do bad impressions of English people or the Shakespeare that we were supposed to read in high school.
I know it means stepping out of the comfort zone. That prayer you say as you walk into the dark basement to keep you calm inside. The one that you hold onto like a security blanket in case you need to curl up and hide from the dangers of the world. But guess what? Only faith in Jesus can comfort you, not some ancient poem that has no real meaning in even your own mind. Just like that torn up piece of bed sheet that Mom finally made you throw away.
I might be bordering on professional suicide when I say this, but I am not praying when I say the old prayer. I am doing nothing more than when I recited the old english beginning to The Canterbury Tales that I had to memorize in high school. I don't know what it meant, but my english teacher told me I had to do it, so I did. When I pray in the way that the Lord instructed, I pray for forgiveness of SIN. I pray that the kingdom, the power, and the glory are YOURS (not mine, and boy do I need to remind myself of this, even right now).
I do find it fun to learn the languages of the Bible, and speaking some Hebrew once in a while is cool, but saying the Shema is the same thing. it just sounds cool. When I pray, I don't want to sound cool. I want to say what is closest to my heart, and what I yearn for in my relationship with Christ. Peace all.

Graven Images

Last night, a few friends and I were thumbing through my hymnal collection. I love church music, and so drifting through and singing all sorts of song written to praise God is one of my favorite pastimes. It's amazing the variety language we can use to express ourselves!
However, I always find it disheartening when I reach the back of the hymnal, and I find myself in the section that holds all of those patriotic songs like "America the Beautiful" and "The Star-Spangled Banner," for the same reasons I recoil whenever I see a flag in a sanctuary. I always feel like that dangerous divide between church and state is being lost, and in the process, the church is losing their prophetic voice. It seems idolatrous to associate those songs together, putting love of country side by side with love of God, and it permeates US Christianity.

I believe in Jesus Christ

'nuff said. (for today)

They Will Be Done

Right now I'm pretty caught up in MY will. I want to ace my three upcoming midterms/finals, write stunning, insightful papers; and spend quality time with my husband at night and on weekends. I think that last one is the one most relevant to what God wants for me. I believe I am called to ministry, but I am trying to let go of wanting to get all As; it's not happening, in the first place, and in the second I know that is my will and ego and not God. I just absolutely can't be perfect at all the competing demands in my life right now, so I have to step back and try to discern what glories God, not what I want to do.

Ugh.

I hope God doesn't care that my house is a disaster right now. Two pets in an apartment with books stacked EVERYWHERE ...

He descended to the dead.

Preface: this has turned out to be a much deeper seminary type post than I wanted it to be, I hate church words but they are all I know any more, so as such I guess I hate me, but that's beside the point, just be warned.

I've been reading the Rite 2 version of the creeds for as long as I can remember. I recall one day when I was just a small lad asking my mom where Jesus went when he descended to the dead, did he go to hell? (I wasn't introduced to the Rite 1 version until I started attending my wife's PCUSA church) She skirted around the answer as best as her Catholic school background allowed her to, but the question remained for me for a long long time.

I have since learned, and have no idea if it is sound orthodox doctrine or not, that Jesus did indeed descend to hell, where he preached the Good News to Moses, Abraham, Isaac, Jacob, etc. who had long since gone before him. While it was the thief hanging on the next cross over that was the first to meet him in paradise, it wasn't long before our OT brothers and sisters were there too, enjoying the paradise (or heaven depending on your eschatological theology) that God had in mind when he created the universe from nothing, the same paradise God had in mind when he sent his only begotten Son to be our redeemer.

So Jesus went to hell for me (my evangelical bend) and all of humanity (my newfound communitarian (is that even a word?) bend), I guess I can put up with seminary for three years for him.


Many apologies for the big church wordiness and theological ilk of this post, I'll try to do better next time.

Coveting

OK, so my last entry was about my pacifist leanings. Those are pretty crazy if you consider some of the things I am involved with, and I do struggle with that, especially recently. Today I am struck by coveting. The commandments speak of not coveting things, especially the whole neighbor's wife issue. That is pretty straight forward. But what about the ass, the servants, the things that do work? Don't I covet those things that help me with my work?
There's the computer program that does really cool things with exegesis (which I am avoiding doing now by typing this blog). There is the neighbor's stove which is a whole lot nicer than the smelly one I have. There is the clothing, the car, the glasses, even the pens and pencils that others have. I want them!
So how to I come about to recognize what I truly need, if it is not for the exposure to what my neighbor has got? Am I left totally to my own ingenuitiy for discovering if I need a gadget to do something, or that my stove needs replacing (good luck convincing the landlord of that)?
I contrast this thought with my increasing feeling of animosity towards the advertizing industry. As far as I am concerned, it should only be public TV: no comercials, no special episodes involving playmates and underwater challenges, no news programs that reduce an article to 25 seconds and a sound bite. The TV is all about making money for advertisers, and that just makes me want to send mine out the window. All they want me to do is watch and see those commercials, so I can start coveting something else.
And yet, I feel programed to watch. I have had a TV as long as I have been alive. The anesthetizing influence of the tube is anchored in the subconscious of my rapidly weakening mind (you try taking all these classes and staying sane). The only relief is the glow of the TV, that warm happiness of my life.
If you do not want this result for your children, make the break. Don't addict your children to the covet box. You are only setting them up to write terrible blog entries where they bemoan their addiction to breaking a commandment. Peace all, and happy viewing.

thou shalt not kill

I used to work in a toy store. It was quite enjoyable. However, I did feel conflicted every time I had to quietly ring up a toy gun, or direct people to the G I Joes. It's disheartening how prevalent violence is in our society. Just last week, I won a promotional yo-yo in a trivia contest at work, and it makes noises that sound like guns and ammo exploding. It seems that every time I turn around, the destruction and death of violence is being lifted up, whether it's coverage of our colonization efforts (let's call them what they are), rage being broadcast nationally on the top-hits radio stations, or simply showing up in unexpected places like a yo-yo.
"Thou shalt not kill" is a very straight forward commandment. It doesn't say "Thou shalt not kill, unless you have a very good reason." It doesn't say "Thou shalt not kill, unless you're a subscriber to Just War Theory." There's no ambiguity about it. And yet, Christian Pacifism is seen as this strange leftist philosophy, relegated to Quakers, Mennonites, and believers on the fringes of the church. It seems pretty clear cut to me.

To Judge the Living and the Dead

Judgment sort of has a bad rap. This is probably true to Jesus commanding us to "not Judge". Yet we're encouraged to develop sound judgment and be good judges of character. I think this where some of the confusion takes place. We have to make judgments all day long. Is this what was meant by not judge? I don't think so.

I believe it is similar to idols. Just as we are not to put anything higher than God I think we're also not to take our understanding of something as the final truth. We have to judge in life. We have to make decisions. The challenge of the command is to not allow our thinking to close in on itself as the final conclusion. We are called I think to keep the avenue open.

Only God, who does not need us when it comes right down to it, will have final say on the value of any of our lives. As created I am to know my place. As created I can pass final judgment on no one. I can not close the door on any person or even myself. This keeps the door open pointing the way to the creator.

That is how I understand it today. It might change tomorrow.

Holy Catholic Church

This jumped out at me this morning. I've been trying not to think too much about the Episcopal Church, how divided we are within our own national denomination, and how delicate our relationship is at present within the worldwideAnglican communion. Sometimes I worry about valuing unity over principle (which isn't the right word, but I am too tired to worry about finding the exact right word, which would still be imperfect in some way), but I also really value, beyond unity in our own church, ecumenism...the WHOLE church. While on the one hand, our various denominational identities and histories are really interesting, on the other hand I think it's very sad that we are Christians yet exclusive in some ways to each other. I really value our Called to Common Mission agreement with the Lutherans, but it is hard to feel hopeful right now when things are so divisive just within our own tiny denomination.

But I think it's really cool that we have a Presbyterian blogging here as well!! So there still is some hope. :-)

I believe in Heaven

The words may not be stated that way, but since I believe in a Father that art in heaven, I believe in heaven. But the 10 commandments say that I should make no graven image of anything that is in heaven. So I, in any capacity I have, should not try to make something that looks like heaven. If I tried, I might be making a graven image.
But what about using my energy to make the church better? What if I use my energy to make the church somehow work like heaven? Am I not trying to make a graven image on earth? I sat in class today and tried to mumble some defense for the radical non-violence and the radical inclusiveness of Jesus' ministry, and I couldn't add a logical statement to the mix. All the logic and all the thoughtful theologians in the world had boxed up and categorized everything that I might want to say. Non-violence you argue? What about the turning over the tables of the moneychangers? Inclusiveness? What about the sheep going one way and the goats the other? Yet we still talk about Jesus' and his ministry in these ways. He even inspired others to believe in being just as radical, and so we revere their names as well (We don't hallow them... only the Father gets that...).
So I too, feel a fire in my belly when I consider non-violence and inclusiveness. But I can't argue it in a debate. I can't find logical systematic arguments for them. I am left with fedeism, arguing solely because I believe it.
And this is where the readings hit me tonight. I might get upset at those who argue the vagaries of a Just War, or over who is in and who is out. But the commandment stops me. I have no more right than any other to decide what rules we follow, no more power to make the perfect system, that graven image of what my heaven on earth would be. I must let go of that desire and instead listen to the words and how they ask me to interact with those around me. I must be inclusive of the other opinions and readings. I must not feel violence towards them. And I must not try to make my image of heaven the one for everyone to accept. Let them read and discover. Let them pray and feel. Let the fire burn them like it burns me.
My prayers to all those who feel the flame. Peace be with you.

seated at the right hand

Whenever I think of Christ being seated at the right hand of the father, it reminds me of James and John bickering over seating placements. They were kind of like wannabe party planners, jockeying for the best spot and ranking the people around them by their placement. When I was younger, my brother and I used to fight over who got to sit in the front seat of the car, because it was the place of honor. It's the same idea.
Being on the right hand means that you're used. It's not just honor; it's duty. It means responsibility. It means you're essential. I long to be considered essential to the work fo the kingdom. I can understand why James and John fought to be on the right hand side of Jesus.
However, the only person who can properly take the right hand side of our Creator is our Redeemer. It's a reminder that whatever we give to God is miniscule in comparison with what S/He has given to us. And so, we are put in our place, somewhere in the crowd. As we should be.

Power

Sometimes the ordination process and the tradition seem to offer conflicting messages...on the one hand, thine, i.e. God's, is the power (being a definite article, that seems pretty all-encompassing re: power), but on the other hand, I was told during the discernment process that I need to be more assertive and "claim my power and authority."

So, perhaps we should change the creed to read "Thine is most of the power, other than that personal power which we all must embrace, particularly women who have been socialized not to claim their authority"? I'm sure changing the creed would demonstrate my newfound empowerment.